Where The Heart Is
by Girl in a White Dress
Summary: "The force of the impact broke his neck. Death was instantaneous." Parker nodded and returned home, unable to go back to work. She had to stop more than once on the way to regain control over her grief.


Disclaimer: The characters of the Pretender don't belong to me. No money is being made and no infringement is intended.

A/N:  Response to Mickey's sad Jarod challenge & Eve's sad Parker challenge. Big hugs to Kali for betaing. For my purposes, Jarod hasn't found any of his family members yet. Oh, and there's character death, so consider yourself warned!

Where The Heart Is By Melanie-Anne 

Miss Parker lay in bed, staring at the clock on her bedside table.  The red numbers shone brightly in the dark:

02:27

She curled up on her side, her fist twisting the sheets into a knot at her stomach.  Her head ached; that dull ache unique to crying too hard.

02:28

Willing herself to fall asleep, she pressed her eyes shut.  It was useless.  Butterflies dancing around in her stomach, she twisted around to face the window.  The worst part was yet to come.

02:29

The phone rang.  She rolled over to stare at it.

02:30

She reached across and lifted the handset, the butterflies fluttering faster.

"Jarod?" she whispered.

"Did I wake you?" he asked.

"No."

"Why not?  Are you alone?" The second question was hesitant.

She sighed. "Yes."  There was no trace of the Miss Parker he knew in her voice.  It worried him.

"Is something wrong, Parker?"

How could she tell him?  "Jarod, I- I'm sorry, I can't do this over the phone."

"Parker, wha-"

She hung up.  The phone rang again almost instantly.  She ignored it.  Thinking that a shower might help, she climbed out of bed and padded over to the bathroom.  Pushing aside the memories of Tommy's death that the shower brought back, she stepped under the spray.  The water was too hot, it burned her.  She didn't want to feel it; she didn't want to feel anything. She wanted to be numb.  Turning the cold tap brought instant relief.  More tears demanded their release and she turned her face upwards, water and salt mixing as it ran down her skin.

Much later, she finally stepped out and dried herself.  Putting on an old tracksuit, she wrapped her hair in a towel and went downstairs for a drink.

_Everybody you let yourself love dies_, she thought. With shaking fingers she lit a cigarette.   _Mama, Faith, Tommy, and now_-

She shook her head. It wasn't her fault.  It was the Centre's. 

The cigarette made her feel ill.  It was her first in three months.  Up until now she'd been fine without them.  She stubbed it out and downed the rest of her drink.  The shock was wearing off and exhaustion finally caught up to her.  She closed her eyes.

_"Miss Parker?"_

_"What is it, Broots?"_

_"S-Something terrible has happened."_

Parker jumped at the gentle touch on her shoulder.

"Whoa, take it easy!  It's just me."

She stared down at the floor.  "What are you doing here, Jarod?"

"You sounded upset.  I was worried about you.  What's wrong?"

She nodded miserably.  _I shouldn't be telling him this.  It's not fair!_

"Sit down," she said softly.

"What's wrong?" he asked, sitting closer to her than usual, too close.

Parker took a few deep breaths before finally finding the courage to look him in the eye.  As much as it had hurt her, she didn't want to think about how this would affect him.

"There was an accident this morning.  Some guy was driving on the wrong side of the road and…and…."

_"S-Something terrible has happened."_

"Parker?"

"Sydney," she whispered.

"No." Jarod wouldn't allow himself to think of the possibility.  "No, it can't be. Parker, please?"

She bit her lip to stop it from trembling.  _Please don't let him cry.  If he cries then I'll cry and I don't think I have any tears left._

"They said it was instantaneous," she said.  "That he wasn't in any pain."

She could see in his eyes the exact moment that he believed her.  His face wrenched in an expression of sorrow and he started sobbing.  Not really caring about anything else, Parker closed the remaining distance between them and pulled him into her arms.  He clung to her like a drowning victim would cling to a life jacket.

She'd been wrong.  She had plenty of tears left.

_"Miss Parker, it'll be okay.  You'll see."_

_"But, Jarod, my mom- she's dead…she's gone!"_

_"You'll always have me.  I'll always be your friend."_

Comfortable with him in her arms, but scared for reasons she couldn't quite define, she carefully moved away.  He didn't wake.  She laid her hand on his cheek for the briefest of moments and then returned to her bedroom.  

When she woke as the sun's rays started peeking through the curtain, Jarod was in her bed.

"I'm sorry," he said.  "I just didn't want to be alone."

"It's okay."

Like a child, he crept closer, seeking comfort.  His voice was tearful as he said, "You're all I have left."

"He did think of you as a son, you know," Parker said, wanting to comfort him.  "He never said it, but he loved you very much."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"He loved you too, Parker."

"I know, I wish- I wish I'd told him before it was too late."  Now it was she who turned to him for comfort.  She laid her head on his chest.

"He knew."

They lay in silence, friends once more.  In times of tragedy they reverted to their childhood friendship.  It was the way it had always been.  Some things never change.

"What do you regret most?" Jarod asked.

"There are so many things I regret," she replied sadly.

"Well, if there was one thing that you could go back and change, what would it be?"

"When Daddy had asked if I wanted to work with him, I should have said no.  Your turn."

"Leaving you behind."

"What?"

"I would not have left you behind when I ran away."

"I wouldn't have gone with you…then."

They lapsed into silence again, outside; the world was starting to wake up.  Birds chirped as they hopped from branch to branch.

"Sydney always got so mad when I called you names.  It didn't bother him when I made fun of him, but he couldn't stand to hear me call you a lab rat."

"That day we first met, he was so happy that I had a friend.  He hated that they made us enemies."

"Me too."

Her admission surprised him.  Not the words themselves, but the fact that she'd said them at all.

"Don't you believe me?" she asked.

"No, I do.  I just never thought you'd admit to it, that's all."

"Saying it out loud could get me killed."

His hold on her tightened.  "I won't lose you too."

"I'm not going anywhere." She smiled at her friend.

"He'd be so happy to see us getting along again."

"Yeah."

"What happened, Parker? Tell me everything."

She closed her eyes.  "I was at work already.  Daddy was pressuring me about finding you and I was in a bad mood…"

_…Parker sat at her desk, aimlessly flipping through a pile of red notebooks. Unless fate felt like being kind to her, she would never catch Jarod.  Sydney was late and she was cross, having hoped to talk through some of her ideas about Jarod's latest pretend.  On top of that her father had already been on her case about her lack of success.  It was still early, but the day already felt long._

_There was a timid knock at the door. Broots entered._

_"M-Miss Parker?"_

_"What is it, Broots?" she snapped, not really meaning to take out her frustrations on the technician._

_"S-Something terrible has happened."_

_"This is the Centre.  Tell me something I don't know." She stood up, stretching out the kinks in her back._

_"It's Sydney."_

_When he said that her blood ran cold.  "What happened?"_

_"I don't know.  The hospital called.  I don't think I was meant to overhear but the system automatically records-"_

_"What happened?" she asked in a stronger voice._

_"He was killed in a head on collision.  They need someone to go identify his body."_

_Running on autopilot, Parker managed to make her way up to her father's office and insist that she be allowed to take care of this.  She drove to the hospital calmly and was led down to the morgue._

_Seeing Sydney's battered body was what broke her.  He'd been more of a father to her than her own father and now he was gone.  Just like her mother.  She leaned against the wall and started sobbing._

_When those tears were spent, she began the funeral arrangements.  It was only on her way out when it occurred to her to ask for the details._

_"The driver of the other car was driving on the wrong side of the road and he hit your friend's car. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt and flew straight through the windscreen.  He died on the operating table. Blood tests show his blood alcohol level was five times over the legal limit."_

_"And…and my friend?" She couldn't bring herself to say his name out loud yet._

_"The force of the impact broke his neck.  Death was instantaneous."_

_Parker nodded and returned home, unable to go back to work.  She had to stop more than once on the way to regain control over her grief…_

"…And all the time I was wondering how I could possibly tell you. I wanted you to find out from me but I didn't know what to say," she finished.

Jarod gently wiped away her tears with his thumbs, his hands cupping her face.

"It'll be okay, Parker," he said.

She shook her head.  "No.  Everything's going to be different now. It won't be the same without him there. Who- who will I trust?"

"He'll always be in here," he said, laying a hand over her heart.  "That's something we both need to remember."

"Yeah, you're right. As usual."

Jarod's hand was still on Parker's chest.  He was warm and she smiled at how he was literally melting her heart.

"Do you remember that day he caught us making out in the SIM lab?  We were what? Sixteen?" she asked.

Jarod chuckled at the memory.  "Yeah, I'd never seen him so angry before.  The look on his face when he told you to button up your top was priceless!"

"How far do you think we'd have gone if he hadn't walked in?"

"I don't know.  It was a long time ago."

"Yeah."

But some things never change.

"Umm…are you going in today?" Jarod asked, breaking eye contact.

"No, I can't.  Not yet.  I need some time alone today."

Jarod started to get up. "Sorry, I'll-"

"No!" She clutched his arm. "I didn't mean it like it sounded.  Please stay with me.  Besides, I don't think you should be alone either."

He smiled and settled down again, pulling her against him.  "What's your favorite memory?" he asked, gently stroking her hair.  The action made her drowsy.

"Mmm…my favorite memory is…umm…sitting in the garden with my mother.  What's yours?"

"Discovering ice cream."

"And what's your favorite memory of Sydney?"

"The day he brought me a friend."

She smiled.  "And what'll you miss most?"

"Him asking me how I am _every_ time I phone."

"He worried that the real world prove to be too much of an adjustment for you.  That's why he wanted you to go back."

Jarod thought about that for a moment. "And why do you want me to go back?"

Parker didn't answer.  His fingers playing with her hair had lulled her to sleep.

Jarod stared at her.  She looked so peaceful when she slept.  The hard mask that she usually wore as protection from the world had fallen away.  He wasn't sure what he felt for her but he didn't think he could bear to lose her too.  For most of his life he'd looked to Sydney as a father.  In some ways, he still did.  He hadn't yet found his real father; he didn't know if he ever would.  Not seeing Sydney again was almost impossible to comprehend.

The sun was high in the sky when Parker stirred again.

"Jarod," she mumbled in her sleep and slid so that she was half on top of him.  Jarod looked at her in shock.  Having her lying so intimately with him was comfortable and yet… uncomfortable. 

"Parker?"

"Mmm?"

"You're, uh, squashing me."

"Huh?" She pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked at him, confused.  "What are you doing in my- Oh.  Never mind." Her face fell as she remembered what had happened.

"Parker, I've been thinking.  Are you sure that it was an accident?  I mean, the Centre-"

"It was an accident.  Nothing more, Jarod.  The Centre isn't responsible for everything."

"I know…. But why him?"

"I don't know.  Sometimes bad things happen for no reason at all."

"I guess." He'd seen enough in his time on the outside to know that she was right.

"We'll be okay."

"I know.  I was just thinking."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't turn this into another crusade.  Let him be."

"But the person who did this-"

"Is dead!"

"Parker, do you believe in life after death?"

"I don't know.  I'd like to think that there's more than just here and now. It all seems pointless otherwise."

"Do you think he found peace?"

"Yeah."

She thought that that was the end of his questions.  She should have known better.

"Do you think we'll find peace only when we're dead?"

"Jarod, you can't think like that!"

"I'm glad you're my friend, Miss Parker."

"Yeah, yeah, enough sappiness," she grumbled, but couldn't hide her smile.  

"I don't want things to go back to the way they were.  I'm tired of running."

Parker sighed.  "So why don't you just disappear?"

"Because you're all I have.  Home is where the heart is, Parker."

Suddenly a lot of things made sense. _Oh…._ "Well, don't disappear completely.  But don't keep me running all over the country either.  How am I supposed to finish my mother's work if I'm always chasing you?"

Jarod grinned. "I knew it."

"Knew what?"

"That you weren't as mean as you pretended to be."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not…."

Unseen by the reconciled friends, two recently reunited ephemeral onlookers smiled happily.

"The Centre stands no chance against the two of them," the man said.

"None at all."

The Belgian-accented voice spoke again.  "Shall we go home, Catherine?"

Still smiling, the woman took his hand and nodded, her gaze lingering on her daughter for one moment longer. 

~*~

The End.

Feedback welcome at melani_anne@yahoo.com 


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